Hurry up and wait appears to be the game selected to be played this month. Shall we dare say the lesson to be learned is "patience" or perhaps something far different. As I pour every effort known to man into my beloved fur baby I look to seek answers, signs, messages and body responses to gauge what I am to expect of this particular outcome. Is his temperature as high as it was yesterday? Did he consume enough calories? Am I following the instructions given properly? Is there any receivable validation available to assure me i'm doing a good job? The weeks pass by and the exhaustion, fatigue and general low deposition begin to slip in from round the clock feedings, heightened emotions and bodily rejections of my best attempts at success. The continuous quandary as to, am I doing this for him or for me at this point? The question plays in my mind like a repetitious tape recorder every time I pace in and out of rooms. Once upon seeing his frail body peacefully sleeping, another when he begs me for a treat. As I surrender to that which has outlived it purpose in my life in order to keep that which I cherish most, I begin to falter. Once again questioning my choices, my answers, my beliefs, my definitions and my purpose. Something where as in my near past I would never have resorted to. As the time lapses so does my faith in myself. Never do I question my faith that we will beat this disease together, but I question my faith in me that I am of stamina to fight this crafty opponent known as death. As I continuously run Reiki on Halibut I struggle to see the line where holistic improvement meets modern medical procedure and rely on outside validation to sooth my aching soul. Once again allowing the universe to play devils advocate. Improvement in outer doesn't always mean improvement within. As I admire my beautiful friend with his polished coat, gleaming eyes from weeks of drip IV, vitamins, herbs and high doses of medication I still face the dread of what the future test results will bring. As I run my hand along his body and intuitive feel the fire beginning to subside within his body. I listen to the chatter of test results indicating the dreaded "C" word cant be ruled out at this present moment. Hurry and wait pulsates throughout my mind once more......
~M
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