Last year I found myself spending a good amount of the year sick. Was it karma that finally bite me in the arse you ask? Lessons that needed to be learned? Just a day in the life and times of life? Honestly I haven't a clue! I could sit and pontificate the meaning for another year, but what would be the fun in that? What I did discover however, amongst many things...was this. FREEDOM!
That's right. FREEDOM.
I learned personal freedom to just be as I was in the present moment. It's absolutely mesmerizing how all the meditation, yoga and spiritual seeking could not bring me into focus the way pain could. Nor get me to fess up the complete truth about myself. Now when I speak of truth, I know...I know your all thinking here we go. The introspection speech. Not even close my friends. The truth I speak of is the truth of who we are presently. Not what we share on FB or to our acquaintances. Not the pics we post that are only 2 out of the 150 we take and then proclaim to be naturally photogenic. Nope, i'm speaking of the truth that is us today. The stripped down, naked truth that we shudder about. I bet reading that just now you were able to think of 5 truths about yourself without even thinking. I know I just did! If you did think there could be possibly hundreds hidden in your inner depths. The difference is now that I have found real personal freedom, I no longer need to be a hoarder of truths. Believe me when I say, I used to be able to hoard with the best of them.
So how did I found this nugget of truth and create a disappearing act involving some of my luggage? Well, part was choice and the rest was simply having to go with the flow. Getting sick wasn't necessarily a choice but it was a choice I was a part of. For years I took less then optimally care of myself. I avoided going to the doctor regularly. Took it upon myself to heal naturally. Mind you without success. I spoke to myself consistently about how I hated the doctors, hated needles, hated to be touched by strangers, hated germs and etc. Hated the possibility to have to strip down naked in front of strangers in order to have whatever possibly checked. When I say I spoke to myself this way.....I mean I truly spoke to myself this way. The hatred being not only the word used but also the feeling behind the verbiage. So, what happened? All of it that I hated!! I was touched by so many strange hands I would have thought I was up for sale in a consignment shop. Needles and giving blood became a comedy skit between myself and the nurses. Who would have thought I could be sooooo funny? Certainly not me! Drugs (legal of course) I welcomed. The cellulite on my thighs/butt became public knowledge to more then just my intimate and right now it has become even more so. Yes that's right! I have cellulite that neither running nor cellulite cream seems to erase. May my inner light shine bright! During those doctor visits I learned to strip down faster then those you see in a porno and the best part....I learned not to blush while doing it. Or judge my chipped nail polished toes resting on that germ ridden, cold, grey floor tile becauseeeeee the best part was; I wasn't looking down. Yep....I am horrible at getting regular pedicures and you know what? May my inner light shine bright.
This year my BFF got me involved in a job that paid wonderfully well. I had the opportunity to attend the tech convention in Las Vegas. For the technology loving, super nerdy, staying update with the ins and out individual this was a dream come true! For me not so much. I am not tech savy by any means. I barely know how to turn on my computer and that's only because there is a word that says "Start"...Ha ha made you laugh. Ok...Ok...I'm not that tech ignorant but I am damn close. But guess what? May my inner light shine bright. I went, I did, I stressed, I made mistakes (smiling works), I succeeded, I stepped out of my comfort zone and paid off a huge medical bill. My light still shined bright throughout even if it vibrated from the anxiety I had.
The point is. We all have fears, hidden neurosis, things we are embarrassed about, ashamed of, confused on and just plain timid revealing. However, do any of those things mean anything? More importantly do they mean anything to you? Many times the things we find fault, fear or shame in are not our perceptions. They are others perceptions. We take on what other peoples judgements are and find truth in them. Equating many times for us to find fault within ourselves. Its easy to say to never allow someone else to dim your light. But more times then not it is us who dim our own light as a means and way to fit in. There is truth found within many inspirational quotes about being weird, being off, being abnormal and finding love in it. It's because if we (the masses) allow our lights to shine bright. Our fear of "what if" begin to fall away. If we banned together in our weirdness then we could all brightly shine and light up the night sky on those really dark periods in our lives.
May you find many grammatical errors in this blog and may my inner light continue to shine bright ,)
~M
Your writing is uplifting...
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